Thursday, August 21, 2014
There are various options. You may find solace in a group of people who are in the same situation as you. Grief groups can be found at churches/synagogues, at hospice programs, at hospitals. There are grief groups for people whose loved ones have died of a particular disease. I found a leukemia/lymphoma grief support group after my husband died. One caveat: your goal in seeking such a group should be to come to terms with your loss and "graduate" from the group. This doesn't mean you won't see the friends you've made there any more. One plus about groups is that you may find friends to socialize with outside of the group.
If you're not a "group person," you may want to seek individual counseling. That's what I did. I began at the height of my husband's illness when I was so sad and stressed, I could hardly function. That helped me then and in the time of transition when I first was widowed. You can get referrals from your family doctor, from friends, from your spouse's doctor. Just be sure you and your therapist are a good match. If you don't feel comfortable during your first meeting, find someone else.
If nothing else, think about book therapy. There are tons of books on widowhood--memoirs, advice for managing daily life, coping with grief--I probably read them all, or anyway, a lot of them. I have a huge collection now of books about widowhood, and I'm always surprised when I'm lecturing and ask if people have read any helpful books and I get a lot of no's. I guess it was natural for me to seek books. No matter what stage of life I've been in--parenting, step-parenting, transitions, loss of a parent--I've always looked for books. Some of my favorites on widowhood are:
Widow to Widow
It Must Have Been Moonglow
The Five Ways of Grieving
The Widow's Story
And no, I didn't include The Year of Magical Thinking--it is not one of my favorites.
Take care, and stop back next week for Tip #4.
Posted by thelmaz at 6:07 AM
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Sunday, August 17, 2014
Lately I started getting calls from a person listed on my caller ID. The first time, I answered, then I stopped but I noticed the call back number was only a few digits from mine, so one afternoon I called and left a message to quit calling me about credit card interest. No luck. I called again and left a message that I would start calling her. I called a third time and she answered, said she'd heard my messages and had no idea how her number was used because she didn't work for a credit card company. I still get calls from that number and sometimes from an out of state call that has the very same phone number. So annoying. You're wondering why I'm not on the do-not-call list. I finally got around to registering after I got a weird call on my cell.
The call caller started by saying he was calling from the Treasury Department, That got my attention. Then he said I had been selected to receive a government grant of $8400 which I could use for anything except gambling and drugs and I would receive this grant in an hour by Western Union. When I asked if he was from the government why did he sound like he was from a foreign country, he immediately hung up. That must be a new scam because I've never heard it before, but it seemed eerie, like what did they want in return for this marvelous grant and who would fall for it? I hope no one does and hopefully, now that I'm back on the do-not-call registry I won't get any more weird calls.
Stop by on Thursday for my #3 tip for widows/widowers.
Posted by thelmaz at 4:58 PM
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
The funeral/memorial service is over. All the family and friends who've crowded around bringing comfort and casseroles and cookies have gone back to their own lives and you're alone. For me, that was one of the toughest times of my early widowhood. So what's a widow/widower to do? Wait for the phone to ring? Wait for a friend to drop by to see how you're doing? Sometimes the wait is long. Too long. It's too easy to be bitter because everyone else's life is going along just as it always has while yours is changed forever, too easy to become the reclusive widow/widower. My advice: don't, please don't. Take the initiative. Make the call. Invite a friend out for lunch. Invite another widow for coffee. And you set the parameters. If you want to talk about your late spouse, say so; if not, say so. Friends may feel uncomfortable, unsure what to talk about. Did you widows know that the healthiest women are those who socialize with other women? For widowers it may be harder, but if you have family close by, get together. Have a barbecue--isn't that what men are supposed to do?
If couple friends leave you out of plans because you don't fit in, think of asking a couple for dinner. Remind them you're still around. Sometimes it's not that they think you won't fit in but that they think you'd be uncomfortable. Maybe you would be, but you never know. On a trip to Spain a few years ago, I met a woman whose husband had died about the same time mine did. She was with a couple that they'd often traveled with...and the next month she was going to Mexico on a solo vacation.
And speaking of friends, don't forget about furry friends. My cat was one of my greatest comforts when my husband was ill and after he died. If you don't already have one, maybe you need to adopt a pet to cuddle with and take walks with and teach tricks. (My cat never learned a trick, but I had one long ago that did.)
My wish for you is to keep your friends close. And please stop by next week for Tip # 3.
Posted by thelmaz at 5:56 PM
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Father, Mother, God,
Thank you for your presence
during the hard and mean days
For then we have you to lean upon.
Thank you for your presence
during the bright and sunny days,
for then we can share that which we have
with those who have less.
And thank you for your presence
during the holy days, for then we are able
to celebrate you and our families
and our friends.
For those who have no voice,
we ask you to speak.
For those who feel unworthy,
we ask you to pour your love out
in waterfalls of tenderness.
For those who live in pain,
we ask you to bathe them
in the river of your healing.
For those who are lonely, we ask
you to keep them company.
For those who are depressed,
we ask you to shower upon them
the light of hope.
Dear Creator, you the borderless
sea of substance, we ask you to give all the
world that which we need most--Peace.
Posted by thelmaz at 10:52 AM
Monday, August 11, 2014
Did you see Richard Linklater's movie Boyhood? I think it's the only movie ever to get 99% on Rotten Tomatoes (If you aren't familiar with www.rottentomatoes.com , you should look it up.
Anyway, Boyhood got so much hype I could hardly wait to see it. It was filmed over 12 years, using the same actors, so you could see Mason, the main character, age from 7 to 19 and the adult characters age and put on weight. Linklater must be incredibly patient to film over such a long time, and the actors must be available when he wants to shoot another episode. So all in all, an amazing feat.
We see Mason as a boy of 7, curious about the world, and follow him until he's a budding artist, starting college at 19, searching for the meaning of life. I guess this is supposed to be a "typical American family," or maybe not. We hear Mom and Dad arguing at the beginning. Soon after, they're divorced. Mom becomes involved with and eventually marries one of her professors, who turns out to be incredibly abusive, and she and the kids escape in the middle of the night. Husband #3 may or may not be abusive, but he looks like a loser. Meanwhile, Dad remains a presence in the kids' lives whenever he can,
The movie has some funny parts: when Dad is giving a sex-ed lecture to the kids, and you can see the daughter cringing and probably thinking, "This is gross." There are sad parts, too: when the family is running away from the abusive step-father and the children realize they'll probably never see their step-siblings again.
The acting was pretty good, but the movie, at 3 hours, is way too long. Forty-five minutes before the end, I started getting antsy and worrying if we were going to follow Mason perhaps until he was 35. I guess it was supposed to just be a slice of life, but like most people's lives, there were a lot of boring parts. Still, I'm glad I saw what one reviewer called the movie of the century. I don't think so. The century has barely begun and I'm sure there'll be lots of better or more interesting movies before it's over.
As we walked out, someone behind me was remarking that Linklater will probably be nominated for best director. Did you see the movie or do you want to? What do you think? I'd love to know.
Posted by thelmaz at 7:50 AM
Thursday, August 7, 2014
In view of all this information I've come up with (apologies to David Letterman) my top eleven tips for widows. I'll be posting one each Thursday. Some are aimed at new widows, others are appropriate for veterans like me or for people who aren't widows at all but would like to know some of the things I didn't know until the worst happened.
So here we go with Tip Number One.
Of course if you're caring for a loved one, you want to do the most you can, but think of yourself, too. It's hard to be a competent caregiver if you're not at your best. And it's hard to be what I would call a "successful widow" if you let your health deteriorate because it's too much trouble to get that mammogram, schedule your annual visit with your internist or gynecologist or dentist. It's easy to skip that exercise program that used to keep you in shape. It's easy to forget to refill your medications or even to take them. And cooking for one can be heartbreaking. Grocery shopping can, too, when you see couples shopping together or you pass an ingredient in your spouse's favorite dish. So you skip meals, live on snacks or fast food takeout--not a good idea. Widowhood is tough enough without letting yourself get sick because you let yourself get run down. About cooking for one: I always figure if you cook for yourself, you'll probably have leftovers for the next day. Amazon has lots of good books on single person cooking:
Going Solo in the Kitchen;
Help--I Gotta Cook It; \
Serves One: Simple Meals to Savor When You're on Your Own
Take care, and come back next Thursday for Tip #2
Posted by thelmaz at 12:57 PM